Tuesday, December 4, 2007

An inconvenience of Biblical proportions

Yes Laura, that was the perfect snow. And I have just enough money left on my Starbucks card for one last tall drink. And I think a peppermint mocha, or even an eggnog latte, is where it's at. I will raise it in a solo toast to you and perfect winter days.


I have embarked on a new endeavor that is very close to my heart...in two ways:
1. It is an issue with which I have struggled since puberty, and
2. The proximity of this issue and my heart is very close.

I am talking about my asymmetrical breasts, David and Goliath. I understand how common my plight is (an estimated 99.something% of women), yet bra manufacturers do not seem to be taking this stat into account, and I continue to buy brassieres that fit one breast and is either 2 cup sizes too big, or 2 cup sizes too small for the other (I try to settle for a not-so-happy medium of a bra that fits neither breast individually, and is one cup size too big for David, and one cup size too small for Goliath).

So after finally becoming completely fed up with my sub-par bra, I decided that it was time for a plan. I:
1. Purchased a bra that would fit if I had two Davids.
2. Purchased another bra that would fit* if I had two Goliaths.
3. Will cut each of them in half, right down the front, in between each cup.
4. Sew the proper halves together to form a garment with different-sized cups: one that fits David, and one that fits* Goliath.
5. Find someone with the exact same sized breasts as me, but reversed so that I don't feel like I'm wasting a bra.

*This particular discount store did not carry a cup size quite big enough, but given this is my first attempt at my creation and I've been wearing the wrong size for over a decade anyway, no big whoop.

And that's my new project! I'm going to begin the sewing process tonight, given nothing goes awry between cutting the bras and threading the needle.

I've done a bit of research on this subject, and while there is the ability to have your bras custom-made, they are extremely expensive (nearly $200/pop), and the necessary measurements only scratch the surface of the issue (i.e. each breast length, from nipple to rib, but no individual width measurement, etc.). I did, however, find quite an ingenious patent for the exact solution asymmetrically-breasted women like me need, but have yet to discover where and how to get one.

I'll be sure to keep each and every one of you abreast on my progress. HA! Get it?


Bobbie said...

*groan* I was totally with you up until that last pun. Remember, some of us are trying to keep food down.

Love you.

Bobbie said...

Well, it is ever present but not as awful as it has been in previous winters. I am using Aveeno Medicated Lotion after my shower in the morning and before bedtime... and it is keeping it pretty mild (I just can't quite get it to go away completely... bah)! Stupid dry skin!